Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Thesis- Scotland Independence Movement
For three hundred years, Scotland, which was once an independent country was placed under the blanket of the United Kingdom, housing a people desperate to keep their national identity while living under governments that they never voted for, and denied the social progression inherent to a nation, now marches close to the historic event of becoming separate, independent, and part of the European Union with an upcoming secession vote deciding its future.
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I think that the ideas that you stated in your thesis would make a strong argument, but you should reword your thesis because some parts sound a little confusing. First of all I think you should add a comma after "independent country," and you should change "housing a people desperate" to "housing desperate people." Also, I think you should omit, "that they never voted for," and change the ", and," after this phrase, to "that." This would tie the two sentences together. Finally, I think you should insert a semicolon before "now marches," and you should add a transition and then put in "Scotland" since you already finished the thought with the first Scotland.
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a good job coming up with ideas for your essay; you could write a lot of information to support this thesis. I would change the wording a little better. The wording is hard the understand what you are trying to say.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely on the right track & Srini has given some very useful feedback. Just a couple points: "Desperate" is a very strong word - is it appropriate in your thesis? Will you be addressing the geography at all in your essay? If so, this would be important to mention in your thesis. Finally, work to "smooth out" your thesis to make it a bit more clear.
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